The day I DIED!!!

This is really painful to recount but my subconscious wont leave me alone about it so i feel the need to bring this memory back into the realm of the living please take my hand and embark on this personal and hellified experience with me and please DON'T LEAVE ME...!!!





The date is Nov. 5, 2001 the time is 8:51 a.m. it is exactly 3 days after the death of my father...I'm drowsy and i can't feel my body...but i see my body...i hear my heartbeat...but i can't feel it...I'm floating...or well it feels like I'm floating...what is floating...? Now i tire of hearing the steady thumping of my heart pumping blood into my body which i no longer feel... I crawl from my hiding space and finding my door handle for support i pull my self upwards and head to the bathroom to throw up the rest of my stomach...After my 5Th dry heave i turn to the medicine cabinet and throw the door open...



The time is now 9:25 a.m.

I grab the pain medicine that my father took for his chemo and just all around cancer pain which included: Vicoden, Motrin 800D,Diclofenac, Fenoprofen, Flurbiprofen, Ibuprofen, Indomethacin, Orudis, Oruvail, Meclofenamate Meloxicam, Nabumetone, Naproxen, Oxaprozin, Piroxicam Sulindac, and Tolmetin... I stopped after i seen how many pills and liquids where on the floor and at that moment i decided to take my life... so i poured the contents of all the pills onto the floor turned on the sinks faucet and listened to the running water for a moment and noticed how calm i was and i couldn't believe that i hadn't thought of killing myself sooner...

The time now is 9:33 a.m.

(I will leave out How i took the first 50 pills and skip to my 51st pill...)

the time is now 10:02 a.m.

I raised the pill to my mouth and noticed i couldn't see my arm raising to my lips so i started to fall i leaned backwards and i felt as though life could feel no better and hoped that death would come sooner...i fell i heard a dull thunk and then a few moments later i heard my brother scream my name and start dragging me out of the bathroom saying the dumb bitch has killed herself...he is now dragging me down the stairs i figure this much because of my head started to hit every other stair...my mom screams and yells call 911...the time is now 10:15...



So from the video that has now been destroyed in order for me to not have to think about what happened and to help me in my healing process at 10:15 my body goes completely limp my breath stops and my heart slows at 10:25 the ambulance pulls up and resuscitates me immediately and takes me to the hospital i am still unconscious...at 10:46 we arrive at Sinai Grace Hospital (the hospital where my father was pronounced dead at 3 days earlier where they pumped my stomach of all the deadly poisons i had put into my body and they put me on life support where i was held in ICU for 15 days where i stayed comatose...on the 16Th day after my death i awoke to find that i was in the hospital and i had not succeeded in killing myself and that i would be on suicide watch for the remainder of my time in the hospital...i was on life support because my organs were still recovering from my attempted suicide... so once the doctor and the phsycologist left i immediately pulled out all of the cords that were connected to my body...or so i thought... as i waited 5 then 10 the 30 minuets for death to come i realized that i was really hungry and i thought why should i be thinking of food when all i really want is to die...the nurse finally came in and me still being alive just checked my i.vi bag and asked if i needed anything i said yes can you bring me some food she says no of course not, you are connected...looked at my feeding tube...well were connected to a feeding tube why did you pull it out i say oh is that what it was i thought i was taking a loose my life support...she sit on the edge of my bed and contemplates for a moment and asked why did i want to kill myself i answered in the calm as i could because its my life and i should have the right to take it or not death is inevitable and why not just speed up the process and fast forward through all of my life's disappointments? she then looked at me shook her head and said wow i never heard it said so rational before. so i guess she kinda figured i was mentally unstable and left the room and called a psychiatrist and i repeated my reason and after a week of having these conversation i guess they didn't see any progress in my mental mind state and they transferred me to Belleville mental hospital were i spent six months watched poked and prodded...
I was brought into this world and i chose to leave it early i was dead for approx. 10 mins. life was forced upon me i didn't want it but i had no choice but to CHOOSE LIFE!!!